Oh Well
by izumi-chan7475
Summary: Short scene summaries from an exaggerated Odysseus' point of view. I consider this a bit of a crack!fic. I did this for Language Arts class.
1. Theme Song

Yo listen up, here's a story

About a hero guy that lives in a Greek world

And all day and all night and everything he sees

Is just Greek like him, inside and outside

Greek is his ships, with a Greek little crew

And a Greek lifestyle

And everything is Greek for him and himself

And every goddess around

'cause he just won the Trojan war.

Odysseus, da ba dee, da ba die, da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die

Odysseus, da ba dee, da ba die, da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die…


	2. Calypso, the Sweet Nymph

The time has finally come for me to leave. Quite right, too. I spend my days sulking about the island, longing for Penelope and my old home.

Hermes has finally arrived to tell me that I will be leaving. I don't want to leave

Calypso, but I will.

She is letting me go. After all these years with Calypso, she is finally saying goodbye for the last time.

Oh well. Her loss.


	3. I am Laertes' Son

I am found by a girl on this new island. It turns out that her dad is Alcinous, king of the Phaecians. Perfect! I use this as an opportunity to share the stories of my daring adventures, but I can't help but think of my old squad…

Oh well. They're dead.


	4. The Lotus Eaters

There's something weird about this island. I knew it the second we landed here. These Lotus-eater-people-things… I can't believe they tricked my posse like that! Everyone (except for me, of course) fell for their lotus trick and ate the darned things. It was pathetic- those morons couldn't remember anything!

\

Oh well. So much for motivation.


	5. The Cyclops

This is my favorite story. Get ready, because I'm about to tell you the tale of how I escaped the clutch of a ferocious CYCLOPS!

That's right, folks, I single-handedly outwitted that brutish Polyphemus. He was so terrible that he smashed my best men's brains out and ate them like grapes, bones, and all. He then rolled a boulder in front of the exit to seal it up.

To begin with, I offered Polyphemus a goblet of especially potent wine, and it went straight to his head! I then convinced him I was "Nobody" then blinded him with a single blow to his monstrous eye. That thing freaked me out, kind of like in _The Telltale Heart._

Here's the best part. The next day, the Cyclops rolled the boulder aside to let his sheep out… And I clung to the nearest ram's belly to escape! The blind ol' Polyphemus had no idea! My squadmates followed my lead and we all escaped, thanks to my quick wits.

I also yelled some insults to Polyphemus as we were leaving. I knew he heard me, and I heard him cursing us in the distance.

Oh well, he's blind and we escaped. Can't touch this.


	6. The Enchantress Circe

I don't understand my idiotic crewmen. They are complete simpletons, unlike me. Get a load of this freaking garbage.

We arrived on another island, where we found a woman. She turned out to be the goddess Circe. She offered us a drink of her own concoction, and, recalling the Lotus Eater incident, I declined. My crew, however, accepted her ludicrous beverage and…

THEY ALL GOT TURNED INTO _SWINE!_

Oh well. They were always pigs, anyway.


	7. The Land of the Dead

Ah, yes, the Land of the Dead. If I did not have to contact Tiresias, I would never have set foot in that literal hell…

When I reached my destination, I spilt the blood of a ram in order to talk to the old blind poet. He told me that I have many challenges to overcome, yada yada yada, I have to go to the island of Helios, don't touch the cows... Alrighty then... and that some guys were eating my beef jerky and flirting with Penelope...

_ Nope. _Not letting that happen.

Oh well. I'll kill them when I get home.


	8. The Sirens

I, of course, came up with an ingenious plan when we came across the Sirens. I had my squad tie me to the ship's mast so I wouldn't be lured into the Sirens' grasp. Foolproof, right? Well, I lost six of my best men. I knew it would happen anyway.

Oh well. People can be replaced.


	9. The Cattle of the Sun God

We were deserted on this next island so long that we ran out of bread. We decided to leave, for it was better to strife at sea than starve on that desolate island. How cowardly that would have been! Oh, and we did eat a cow or two off of that island.

Oh well. I'm sure Helios won't mind.


End file.
